Conversations with your 13 year old son- whilst lost, driving home from the airport- realizing you are failing at life in so many ways…

Ben: Really mom? Do you even know where you are? How do you get lost coming back from the airport?

Me: Shut up! It’s dark! Oh look at the beautiful Missouri country side. Welcome Home. This gives us time to chat.

Ben: You realize you just made a large circle and you wasted lots of gas.

Me: <glare from hell>
Ben: Hey, keep your eyes on the road!

I ended up taking an exit that took us to KCK.

Ben: You should use your GPS and listen to her. Where are we now? I have never been this way before.

Me: We are in Wyandotte County.
Ben: Why are you in Wyandotte County? These neighborhoods look like places old people live that didn’t save enough for retirement.
Me: So, that’s where I will end up.
Ben: YOU’RE NOT SAVING FOR RETIREMENT?!?

...can we talk?

Parents, let’s get real. Being a parent sucks, sometimes. Kids aren’t that great, sometimes. There are times when you understand why some species eat their young.

It doesn’t matter if you are working parent or a stay at home parent. In my eyes, we are all working parents. Parenting is hard, damn hard and extremely thankless. Especially teenagers. Long gone are the days of the cute little baby and adventurous toddler. Now you are housing a half adult- that stomps around the house pissed to the gills when his/her demands aren’t met. Some days, it feels like you’re a hostage negotiator!  You win some and you lose some.

‘Turn off your game, son. You need to empty the dishwasher.’

‘Mom, let me finish this round, ok, like ten more minutes.’

‘ No I need you to do it now.’

‘Geez, Mom- only ten minutes’

‘Ok, you better shut it down after ten minutes or you will lose you chance to play tomorrow’

Then there are days your children manage to shame you. Unintentionally of course- that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

My son recently said to me-

‘Mom, I need a new back pack, new football gloves and can you buy me a game for the P. S 4?’ ‘No, I can’t buy you a new game, you still have last year’s back pack and where are the gloves I bought you for last season?’
 ‘Why can’t you buy me the game? I don’t know where my gloves are and my back pack is old.’

 ‘ Do you think I am made of money? I don’t have extra for those things right now.’

 ‘ Don’t you have a bank account and a job?

 ‘Yes, I have three accounts, that doesn’t mean there is money in them!

 ‘ I don’t understand how you don’t have money, you have a job!

He had the most condescending tone and disgusted look on his face, he actually made me feel bad about myself.

 

I fired back: ‘Are you playing Football? Do you money one your lunch account? Do you have a roof over your head? Did you eat dinner tonight? THAT’s where all my money goes!’

I realize they are young and do not have a concept of the value of money and things. It’s hard feeling like you don’t measure up to your children’s expectations.

There are days when I look at them whilst they sleep and think ‘Made it through another day. They are fed, alive and only slightly emotionally scarred!’

The reality is, we have a short time with our children before they embark on their own life’s journey. We put too much pressure on ourselves as parents. We have one shot to get it right. Fortunately, there is always therapy! If you fuck it up too bad, your child will spend the rest of their years in therapy blaming you for their short comings.

 

So no pressure Mom’s and Dad’s.

All I know is after my oldest child was a toddler and giving me hell with her daily shenanigans. I apologized to my mother. I was sorry for all the mean things I said to her and all the hateful things I thought. I now know, this was my “payback”.

I would like to hear from other parents. What are your struggles? What are you wins and losses? Do you sometimes feel like you are failing as a parent? Do you sometimes feel like you are running on E- ALL DAY LONG?

 

 

Let's talk about it..

 

Paella- NOT!

Paella. I remember eating it on a family vacation in Spain many years back. It was a show stopper. It’s the kind of dish that was talked about for years to follow. So naturally, I wanted to recreate that experience.

I knew we were going to host Eric’s sister and her family for a  week – I thought, what a perfect time to WOW them with Paella. A week before their arrival, I spent hours online researching recipes. Weeding through countless YouTube and Food Network videos. Finally- two recipes I liked. I loved Bobby Flay’s ingredients and Tyler Florence’s method. In true Azra fashion, I would combine them and make it my own!

I had it all planned out- I was going to make Paella on Friday! I can’t tell you how excited I was-  I was finally going to use my Paella pan for what is was designed for Paella. I had previously been using the pan for just about everything else, I was in love with that pan!

I had envisioned spending hours creating this masterpiece. Enthusiastically presenting the fully loaded pan to my wide eyed table. Follow by accolades of “OHHHHH’S” &“AHHHH’s” and of course applause!

Wednesday, two days before, I went to one of the local Hen House market. I knew Hen house had a great Sea Food counter. I bought mussels ß I was pleasantly at the price for 2 lbs. I bought one clam, that’s all they had. I got Scallops, cod fillets and shrimp. I also picked up the boneless chicken thighs and andouille sausage. I drove home beaming with my seafood finds. All together a little pricey, to me well worth it.

Thursday, one day before, I called another Hen House branch to see if they had clam. They did! Over lunch, I picked up the clams and 4 lobster tails. I double checked my list and also bought Saffron ß $18.00 for like a few strands. Again, worth every penny.

Friday, all day I talked about how I was to embark on this culinary journey. Showing pictures to colleagues and telling them how amazing this will be. I left work early.

Walked straight into the kitchen and started prepping. I got Ben and Fiona involved- as they enjoyed watching the clams and mussels blow bubbles as I submerged them into water to have them purge. I spent a total of three hours scrubbing, chopping, rinsing, mincing and dicing. Eric would periodically walk into the kitchen to “check things out” and to tell me he loves me and retreat back into the office. During one brief visit to the kitchen he said to me “ You should make it in two batches, it’s not all going to fit into that pan.” Annoyed with him, I hissed back “YES IT WILL!!” Once everything was prepped, I arranged everything nicely on the counter to snap a picture. I posted it on Facebook with the caption ‘ Everything is prepped… it’s time to make magic…’

Assembly, I followed all the steps, browned the chicken and the sausage- remove from pan. Sautéed the onions, garlic and parsley. Everything was perfect, until I noticed my pan was uneven, which created hot spots. Things just got worse once I added the wine and broth. And Yes Eric was right- not everything was going to fit into my pan. Things went from bad to “OH SHIT!” in seconds. Before I knew it the entire house was filled with smoke. The hot spots were causing certain area to burn. I added too much broth for the pan- and it was dripping EVERYWHERE!

Even my dogs, who constantly underfoot, were hiding in corners giving me side glances of uncertainness. Their little eyes were stinging from the thick smoke filing the air.

I was able to remove the pan from the stove and rest it on the wooden cutting board. Which created more smoke. I started yelling four letter words in frustration. At about that point Eric walks back into the kitchen waving his hand in front of his face, “Baby, does it taste good? Phew it’s Smoky!”

“IT’S RUINED!! IT’S BURNED! IT’S OVER!”

At this point the tear started- Eric gently took my shoulder and said- “ Stop crying! We can fix this! Baby, stop crying!”

That scorched flavor perfumed the entire dish. Lucky, we were able to remove a lot of the shell fish and rinse it off. All the chicken, Sausage, fish and rice was ruined. Along with the $18.00 for the Saffron, which was infused with the broth.

It was over for me. I felt depressed, devastated and at this point totally exhausted. My dream of making a masterpiece was crushed in a matter of 15mins. After weeks of research, planning and prepping.

Eric went to the store for chicken, sausage, shrimp and scallops. I didn’t have it in me for a do over. I was done- we were able to turn what we had into a seafood soup/stew. I cooked some rice and served the stew over it.

Eric’s sister enjoyed it and so did her son. For me, the burned scorched taste was lingering.

Eric helped me clean up- apparently the pan was so hot it burned the wooden cutting board. I cleaned the pan that put it away. I haven’t used the pan since. The pan that I loved so much and bragged to everyone with “I love this pan!” posts- failed me.

I can never trust this pan again....

Life coming full circle.......

Every year on my children's birthdays, I reminisce and tell them their birth stories. And every year they would sigh and say things like "OMG- here she goes again." "Mom, please don't cry, Oh God, she's crying!"

I can't help it. I can't! Those were life changing events for me. I want them to know how they made their grand entrance into this world. Today, I will share with you my daughter Lucie's birth story.

I was 19 years old, married and we were living in Junction City, KS. Like most 19 year olds, I thought I knew everything. Reality, I didn't know shit. This was soon to be revealed to me.
I was two weeks over due with Lucie and completely miserable. After begging my Dr. he finally agreed to induce me on Dec 9th 1995.

They day of induction was pretty routine. IV med, heart monitors, baby monitors, Dr.'s and nurses in and out of the room, me sucking on ice chips, you know the normal stuff. Then it came time to push. I remember thinking how amazing it was that my body just knew- something primal takes over when you are delivering a baby. I knew- Now!- I have to push. So- I pushed and pushed. I felt like I pushed for hours- I was exhausted. The Dr. suggested to bring out a mirror, so I could see my progress and watch myself push this child out. The mirror was incredibly helpful. As I pushed I saw Lucie's head make her way out. Finally- after hours of pushing- one last push and Lucie was out.

I firmly believe Lucie was a born talker. She came out screaming. She was pissed. The Dr. laid her on my belly and she was this tight little package. There she was, this little pissed of being- Lucie had shit to say and opinions from day one.

What I didn't know at the tender age of 19- when I thought I knew everything- was that you bleed after birth. Not just a normal period bleed, I mean you B.L.E.E.D! The first time I stood up out of bed to use the bathroom, I had blood rushing down my legs. I just stood there crying- thinking something was wrong. Looking back on it now- I laugh at how naïve I was.

What stood out the most to me was the day we left the hospital. Lucie's father got to carry her out of the hospital. He stood tall- taller than he actually was- and proud. He had large tears falling him his face- all while smiling the biggest smile I have ever witnessed. I knew, in that moment, that was the happiest day of his life. I recently recognized that same smile in a picture Lucie shared with me when her father came to visit. Both standing next to one another his hand on her belly- and that same proud smile.

Life coming full circle.......

I can't believe my Baby is having a Baby.......and she's doing it in style.

My daughter, Lucie, is expecting her first child later this year. I have to be honest- I cried when she first told me. Not happy tears, but sad tears because I just turned 40 and I was NOT ready to be a Grandmother. Yes, sadly I admit, I made it all about me. <insert eye roll>-

After letting that thought set in - about 24 hours later, I was filled with this repeating thought- 'My Baby is having a Baby.... My Baby is having a Baby.'

A week later after Lucie send me a picture of her first sonogram picture- I was madly in love. I found myself strolling through the baby section in stores. Constantly fighting to urge to purchase just about everything that I saw. I didn't know I could love someone so much- with sight unseen.

The Love I feel for Lucie's child is a different Love I felt for my children when I was expecting them. This Love, comes from a deeper soulful place in my heart. I never knew that kind of Love existed.

Someone told me recently- Grandchildren are your rewards for not eating your own children. LOL!
Parent with toddlers and teenager know how tempting eating ones young becomes when they drive you BATSHIT crazy!

I will admit, I was a little worried about Lucie having a child so young. She is 20. I had her at 19 and I know how difficult it is- I remember what a struggle my 20's were. I had two kids back to back. My 20's were a blur. However, those worries soon left me. I remember when we brought my second child, my oldest Son, home. Lucie was 16 months old and in diapers. Lucie quickly realized she was no longer the baby when she recognized her brother was also wearing diapers. She pointed at him and said- "Baby!" and then pointed at herself and said "No Baby!" She promptly took off her diaper and climbed on top of the toilet and squatted to pee.

Lucie's was born to be a mother. When she was growing up- she was the "Boss" amongst her  younger brothers when I wasn't home. I sometimes had to remind her- " I am the mother here."
Without a doubt, I know what a wonderful mother is going to be. She has had plenty of training.

I can't believe my Baby is having a Baby...... and she's doing it in style.

Having a girlfriend is priceless- you cannot buy friendship.

I have realized something in recent days; I have no girlfriends. Sure- I have friends on social media and a ton of acquaintances, but I can honestly say I do not have a friend.  I know people that I care about and that lives over a 1000 miles away- we text from time to time, but can go weeks sometimes even months without saying a word.

When I mean girlfriend- I mean a person- that lives close by- someone I can share girl stuff with, laugh, cry, dump all my shit on and who will always be in my corner even when I am wrong and share a bottle of wine with- or two.  

I left home at 19 and never looked back. I married two military men; moved a lot- overseas and back a couple of times. I have met people and stayed contacted with some. Now 20 years, two divorces and two grown children later- I wish I had a girlfriend. I am in a long-term committed relationship, but that is not the same.

Honestly- I do not know if I would know how to have a girlfriend/girlfriend relationship. In the past- I thought I had such a relationship and share my girl shit and talked and cried and laughed- but in the end was only judged and rejected because that “friend” didn’t agree with my ideas- partner and life situation. That kind of rejection is very painful. I know now- I am had better off- but at the time saying, it was a slap in the face is an understatement.

I admire those who have lifelong friends- that have seen them through the best of times and through the worst of times. If you are a woman and lucky enough to have a girlfriend (BFF) - hold on to that. Because finding someone that “gets you”, is quick to spout out “that bitch”, and has your back- is truly hard to find.

Having a girlfriend is priceless- you cannot buy friendship.

Where the heck did the time go?

Today, I was remembering back many years ago, when my older kids were very little. I was thinking about the time I had to fly from Kansas City, MO back to Germany with two children under the age of two. A lot of that time in my life is a blur, but this particular experience I will never forget.

I flew from Kansas City, MO to LaGuardia, NY. LGA was enormous compared to the airport in Kansas City. I had to, with two very small children- still in diapers- pick up our luggage and head over to the International Terminal and check in for our flight.

That entire process was a nightmare to say the least. I recall trying to push one and pull another luggage cart filled to the top, with suitcases tittering from all sides. I needed to take an elevator up but both kids and carts would not fit. Luckily, a nice airport attendant helped me. She pushed one cart while I pushed the other, each with a child. After, what seemed like hours, we finally made it to the International terminal to stand in line to check in. The line was one of the longest lines I had ever seen and it moved at the speed of snail. The kids were good for the most part, but once I got closer and closer for my turn at the counter, and the kind woman left me all hell started to break loose.

While trying to balance two children on each hip, I was fumbling through my carryon bags to find our passports and tickets. Picture this- kids crying, snot running down their noses, me bouncing trying to “shush” them, me apologizing to be very under paid and annoyed ticket person.

I remember feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. I was cursing my then husband in my mind at the time for having me go through this entire process alone. How dare he? THAT ASS!

I must have been a sight- after for what felt like forever- a elderly woman broke ranks in line and said, “For Heaven’s sake, you are chocking that child!” She reached out and grabbed my youngest- which I was apparently holding in a chock hold, with his little legs dangling from behind - Right about this point is when I lost it, and broke into the ugly cry.

I finally pulled myself together, we were the first ones allowed to board the plane. I do not remember much about that flight. I do however recall the biggest sigh of relief that I felt when we  landed and I was off that plane.

Sometimes, it feels like it was just yesterday and other times it seems like a lifetime ago.

Where the heck did the time go?